Back to Square One

Today was awful!!!! I decided to go out to a pool party today because I knew it would be good for me to leave the house and hang out with some friends. I thought I could get away with just slipping to the background but no such luck. One of the guys asked me where my boyfriend was and I had to explain that we weren't together anymore. I felt like crying but I held myself together and just stated yeah it sucks but it happens.

The same guy then asked me what happened so I started explaining that I am not an very emotional person and my ex is and it was the theme of all of our arguments and what brought us to our end. After I explained what happened in my most put together way as possible I thought I was in the clear until he said "I bet you don't even miss him" I couldnt help but whisper "I miss him so much" and tears started streaming down my face. As I collected myself again I tried to act like I was okay but I was just so bummed. I fought back tears the entire afternoon, sometimes loosing the battle, and just couldn't wait to be alone so that I can cry at my hearts content.

I thought the hard part was over because I was feeling good but today felt exactly like last Sunday. I was so miserable and yearned to call him and hear his voice and I even thought about just showing up to his house. My friends crushed any hope I had of getting him back and the feeling was so gut wrenching which was why I had such a hard time keeping myself together.

I came to the conclusion as much as I want him back I can't ask him for that. The entire relationship he was so unhappy with me until he finally couldn't take it and just ended it. The decision was made for me and I had no choice but to respect his wishes and let him go. I know that if there was any chance that our relationship could start again it would have to be his decision. He would have to come to me and tell me that he wanted to try again. And at the same time I couldn't hold any of the past against him.

Will he ever come back to me? I have no idea?

Moi