Day 5 - This Sucks

Today I was hit with a bunch of different emotions. I woke up early and felt angry and was slightly annoyed but then I got to work and I felt numb. I attended a funeral today at 11 and I tried to pay attention but I couldn't help but think of him. I wondered what he was doing, I wondered how he was dealing with things, I just wanted to see him.

The different thoughts played out in my head like a movie and all I wanted to do was call him today. I know I can't because I promised I would give him his space. But I can't help but think, "What if I'm doing the wrong thing right now?" "What if he wants me to call him and all he's waiting for is proof that I love him as much as I said I did?" But he told me that he wasn't in love with me and hasn't been for a week. And then proceeded to tell me he didn't believe in trying a 2nd or 3rd time. What I am supposed to do with that, go running back only to be pushed away again? I sit and think and try to figure out my feelings but I can't think. My mind is blank. When I'm around others I catch myself drifting away and just staring, and I'm either curled up in a ball or my arms are wrapped protectively around my chest.

I'm so confused right now and felling like doing...nothing. I think about work and ways to keep busy and its such a natural concept to default back on. If I'm too busy I don't have time to worry about everything. If mind my is racing with thoughts of school/work then there's no room for much more. I wonder if that's why I feel like returning back to school. I decided to take it slow. I'm going to take my CHES certification test and utilize one of my majors. I will have to study material I haven't seen in years but from what I can remember it shouldn't be that hard. I figure if I can pass this with flying colors then I am truly ready to go back to school, but if I struggle I need to wait just a little more. But then what do i do in the mean time?

Ive cried so much that at times I feel like I have no tears left but when I least expect it...WHAM sadness sneaks back into the pit of my stomach and the center of my heart. He deleted his FB pics today. Any picture, except one, that had us in it is gone. How can that be so easy for him? I deleted our text messages and I moved some pictures out of my phone but I kept half in there and left my FB pics. I like to look and them and remember the happy times. Even the pic we took in Vegas I have stashed away in my jewelry drawer. When I open the drawer just enough I see us together and I can't help but feel happiness and all the warm fuzzy feelings find themselves coming out of my locked box of emotions.

I wonder if hes right? Will I never make a good mother? A good wife? Am I a disappointment? I seriously hope not. This is who I am for better or for worse. I will leave 2 Haiku that he wrote me and 2 that I wrote back

Him to Me

When I think about
My special someone in life
I'm think of you

I figured it out
Your belly sticks out sometimes
Because you never make farts

Me to Him

Sweet Potato Pie
I love playing Penis Hero
With your one-eyed snake

I'm a lucky girl
You're the best thing in my life
I love you so much

Until next time
Moi