What to do, what to do

So Much Happened In One Week

So I saw him on Sunday and it was really nice. I missed him sooooo much it was so good to see him. I wonder if we will ever get back together or if we will remain friends. I know I can not completely accept a friendship at this time for several reason. 1. I still love him 2. I still have hope (even if its a 5% chance) 3. I think our issues can be worked out 4. I don't even want to think of him with another girl (the thought makes me want to vomit). So again I sit here and wonder what to do. I thought for now (literally the next few days) I will be patient and give him space and continue to think things through. I wonder if I tried something, like give him a kiss, or embrace him just a little longer, or just tell him I miss him how will he react. I'm not ready for complete rejection so I at this time i won't do anything. I wonder if my quest for "the perfect moment" is stupid or its something that will really happen. There is still some doubt ( a whole lot) in my mind about how he feels about everything. Perhaps on our next outing I will have a better understanding. I felt that there were moments on Sunday but I just think "Maybe I'm just being a girl and over analyzing everything" The longer than usual gaze, the touch on the knee, the kiss on the corner of the mouth (oh how that makes me shiver just thinking about it), the tears that we almost shared at a couple of points. Ahhhhh I hate this, I hope by writing these things out I will obsess less about them.

Oh yeah I haven't gone to the gym in a LONG time, this week has been too crazy. Next week I plan on signing up for some pole classes. Woohoo!

Until next time
Moi

It's Been Three Weeks

So it's a Friday night and I can't help but think of him. I texted him this past Sunday because I thought I was ready but little did I know that a flood of new feelings would come pouring out. I yearned to be next to him like never before. I tried to think of all the reasons why we broke up and couldn't remember them that clearly all I could think was how much I missed him and how I wanted to try again. What am I supposed to do, I'm just at a loss. I feel like he doesn't want to try and restart a relationship with me so again I act like everything is okay with him and the rest of the people around me. I am here hanging on to this hope and I don't know how to get back to that strong sense of self that I felt just last week.
This past week I dreamt about him EVERY night. I felt such strong feelings of love I woke up only to be dissapointed when I realized that they were just dreams. Do I put things passed me and continue to accept his decision to end the relationship or do I dare ask for another shot?

Back to Square One

Today was awful!!!! I decided to go out to a pool party today because I knew it would be good for me to leave the house and hang out with some friends. I thought I could get away with just slipping to the background but no such luck. One of the guys asked me where my boyfriend was and I had to explain that we weren't together anymore. I felt like crying but I held myself together and just stated yeah it sucks but it happens.

The same guy then asked me what happened so I started explaining that I am not an very emotional person and my ex is and it was the theme of all of our arguments and what brought us to our end. After I explained what happened in my most put together way as possible I thought I was in the clear until he said "I bet you don't even miss him" I couldnt help but whisper "I miss him so much" and tears started streaming down my face. As I collected myself again I tried to act like I was okay but I was just so bummed. I fought back tears the entire afternoon, sometimes loosing the battle, and just couldn't wait to be alone so that I can cry at my hearts content.

I thought the hard part was over because I was feeling good but today felt exactly like last Sunday. I was so miserable and yearned to call him and hear his voice and I even thought about just showing up to his house. My friends crushed any hope I had of getting him back and the feeling was so gut wrenching which was why I had such a hard time keeping myself together.

I came to the conclusion as much as I want him back I can't ask him for that. The entire relationship he was so unhappy with me until he finally couldn't take it and just ended it. The decision was made for me and I had no choice but to respect his wishes and let him go. I know that if there was any chance that our relationship could start again it would have to be his decision. He would have to come to me and tell me that he wanted to try again. And at the same time I couldn't hold any of the past against him.

Will he ever come back to me? I have no idea?

Moi

Day 5 - This Sucks

Today I was hit with a bunch of different emotions. I woke up early and felt angry and was slightly annoyed but then I got to work and I felt numb. I attended a funeral today at 11 and I tried to pay attention but I couldn't help but think of him. I wondered what he was doing, I wondered how he was dealing with things, I just wanted to see him.

The different thoughts played out in my head like a movie and all I wanted to do was call him today. I know I can't because I promised I would give him his space. But I can't help but think, "What if I'm doing the wrong thing right now?" "What if he wants me to call him and all he's waiting for is proof that I love him as much as I said I did?" But he told me that he wasn't in love with me and hasn't been for a week. And then proceeded to tell me he didn't believe in trying a 2nd or 3rd time. What I am supposed to do with that, go running back only to be pushed away again? I sit and think and try to figure out my feelings but I can't think. My mind is blank. When I'm around others I catch myself drifting away and just staring, and I'm either curled up in a ball or my arms are wrapped protectively around my chest.

I'm so confused right now and felling like doing...nothing. I think about work and ways to keep busy and its such a natural concept to default back on. If I'm too busy I don't have time to worry about everything. If mind my is racing with thoughts of school/work then there's no room for much more. I wonder if that's why I feel like returning back to school. I decided to take it slow. I'm going to take my CHES certification test and utilize one of my majors. I will have to study material I haven't seen in years but from what I can remember it shouldn't be that hard. I figure if I can pass this with flying colors then I am truly ready to go back to school, but if I struggle I need to wait just a little more. But then what do i do in the mean time?

Ive cried so much that at times I feel like I have no tears left but when I least expect it...WHAM sadness sneaks back into the pit of my stomach and the center of my heart. He deleted his FB pics today. Any picture, except one, that had us in it is gone. How can that be so easy for him? I deleted our text messages and I moved some pictures out of my phone but I kept half in there and left my FB pics. I like to look and them and remember the happy times. Even the pic we took in Vegas I have stashed away in my jewelry drawer. When I open the drawer just enough I see us together and I can't help but feel happiness and all the warm fuzzy feelings find themselves coming out of my locked box of emotions.

I wonder if hes right? Will I never make a good mother? A good wife? Am I a disappointment? I seriously hope not. This is who I am for better or for worse. I will leave 2 Haiku that he wrote me and 2 that I wrote back

Him to Me

When I think about
My special someone in life
I'm think of you

I figured it out
Your belly sticks out sometimes
Because you never make farts

Me to Him

Sweet Potato Pie
I love playing Penis Hero
With your one-eyed snake

I'm a lucky girl
You're the best thing in my life
I love you so much

Until next time
Moi

This Was a Hard Week

Me and my boyfriend broke up this past weekend and I've been miserable. It's only day 2 but I miss him so much. I realize that I have dedicated this blog to my goal of become healthy but I have found the more I talk about it the easier it becomes for me. There is something that happened with my weight over the past weekend which I will get to in a bit.

So it happened on Saturday and I knew exactly what he was going to say when he texted "I need to tell you something, but not right now." He told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Even though it came as no surprise it still caused my heart to ache. I agreed that it was best to end thing before things started getting worse. The past 3 months had been a roller coaster of emotions. A few bad days followed by one good day. The interval between the bad started getting closer and the "arguments" became worse as time past. He was miserable and I did everything I could to be patient, supportive, and loving. After a while I felt his sadness wearing on me. And I started not trying to fix things anymore. I knew that it wouldn't be received well but I didn't know what else to do. As much as I loved him (still do) I was tired of fighting a fight I had no chance of winning.

So I sat and waiting for the day when he would tell me he wanted out. I believed our relationship was going to be work. We shared alot in common, or at least I thought we did. But we had two different outlooks on what love is supposed to be like and it turned into a viscous cycle. I would pull away slightly because I was unsure in the beginning. When he would mention his ex girlfriend and I would pull away just a little more. He would obviously notice me do this and bring it to my attention. All he wanted was for his girlfriend to be as into him as he was into her. Its not much to ask for, but for every 3 steps I took forward in discovering my emotions I took a step back (sometimes 4) every time his ex was brought up and another step back when he would express his frustrations with me. I simply did not move at the pace that he was and it would be the theme of our problems to come. I blamed myself and would become so sad and started questioning my character, but it was usually followed with anger and resentment towards him for wanting to change me and push in directions that I wasn't quite comfortable with. I felt at times that I wasn't given the chance to discover my love for him. And then it happened one day, We watched Valentines Day and I felt the pure emotions rise to my lips and all I wanted to do was grab hug him and kiss him and say "I love you!" But I didn't, I wanted the moment to be special and during a time when we were alone so that I could stare into his eyes and feel the love and show him how much I loved him. But before that could happen, he expressed his frustrations with me. Again I took several steps back.

We managed to work out things and mostly everything went well for a while but then depression crept into him and he began to feel miserable and trapped by everything and everyone in his life. I tried to give him space but feared that he would leave me so I pushed myself in even more. Now that I look back I realize that this was not the best thing to do. I put my life on hold and worked on our relationship. I felt as long as we were both willing to work and try everything would be great. That never happened; it started become worse and worse and there finally came the point where I could not console him in anyway. Our relationship did not give him any kind of happiness all he felt was frustration and a void. It was hard to see this happen right before my eyes as I sat there powerless. As much as I wanted things to change for the better I knew I could not control/ persuade him to feel any differently. And that is when I came to the conclusion that the next time he told me was unhappy with us it was time to let him go.

At the time the decision was easy because I was prepared. But the next day it hit me so hard and I felt like my heart was being crushed in a vice. The pain and anguish crept into my legs and arms and the pit of my stomach. Between Saturday and today I have not eaten much. Saturday I ate nothing, maybe a cup of water. Sunday I woke up and forced myself out of bed to eat two slices of bread. I was able to talk to my dad and with tears in his eyes he said that he wished he could take the pain away and tell me something that would make me feel better, but he knew only time would heal my internal wound. I talked to my friends a little more but it wasn't until I talked to my mom that I started feeling better. I talked to her for a good hour and I knew that I would be okay. I finally left my room and sat with my family to watch TV and it felt good knowing that they were there for me. Today I woke up feeling good and happy I applied my makeup with excitement and got dressed and couldn't wait to get to work. I grabbed a special K protein bar and bottle of water for breakfast and I thought I had gained my appetite back. It wasn't until lunch that the sadness crept back into my chest. I grabbed a salad but only ate about a cup of greens when I returned to work to find that stomach was so upset that i had diarrhea and bubble guts. I started checking my email and pulled my phone out of habit hoping he would call. He never did and I was on the verge of tears the rest of the afternoon. I came home and ate some meat and rice my mom made and had a couple wedges of pineapple and cucumbers. I knew that this lack of food was going to take its toll on my body so I weighed myself and realized that i had lost pounds. So needless to say I didn't have a problem with my pants being too tight they were actually pretty baggy and I needed to wear a belt. I know as I start feeling better my appetite will come back with all its ferocity and my weight will return.

Yesterday I felt that I made the right decision and had no regrets about anything I said or did but today that was not the case. I doubted everything I did and I missed him soooo much that all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and his breath on my skin. How ironic is it that the physical affection that was so awkward for me would be the one thing that I longed for. I felt the love between him and I in those instances more than any other. I know that we have to make ourselves happy before we can make each other happy and that is why I know right now there is nothing I can do. I will work on my life and continue to eliminate my credit debt and I have made the decision to return to school. There are a few things that I need to take care of first but I am ready to go back . I know I will never be fully happy with my career until I become a PA. I know for him he needs to work on his career as well and I wish him nothing but the best. I hope that he finds the happiness that he is searching for and with every goal he accomplishes he will be that much more happy.

I truly do want to continue things with him but I know that's not something I can ask from him right now, perhaps I can never ask him. I hope that he will return to me one day. Maybe my mind will change as the days go by, but I doubt it. I miss my best friend and the true love of my life.

Until next time,
Moi

Week 1

This week was difficult and disappointing. I didn't do so well at eating right and going to the gym. I tried different fast foods and thought I was doing well only to find out that the meals were super high in sodium. I took my lunch a few times and was incredibly bored with what I took to eat and only ended up craving more. I would satisfy my craving with cupcakes, brownies and candy. I'm going to try to make it a habit of making my lunch the night before so as I run out the door I can grab it on the way to work. Making my breakfast the night before would also be ideal.\

One thing I was proud of was that I went to the gym on Thursday night because I actually wanted to go, it was like my body was screaming for it. I managed to attend a Yoga class and did 30 minutes on the elipitcal. I felt pretty good afterwards but then had to deal with some emotional stuff that left me in a funk. It's an excuse but sometimes I am consumed with my feelings and I don't fucntion well until I've figured things out. If I could manage to use my workouts to take a time out and work on things I'm having a hard time with, those sessions could be super beneficial.

My primary motivator for the gym this week was the fact that I had to unbutton my pants at work. My H&M pants which are right at the waist line was digging in my pudge and i couldn't stand it anymore. The other thing I noticed was that my thighs are getting bigger because the fabric in that area is stretched sooo tight when I sit down. This is something totally new and to be honest it worries me alot. This week I defienlty need to be more aggresive.

I really need to be smart and focused when it comes to this challenge. The last thing I want to do is get caught up in my self image and end up with some serious issues. I finsihed my book House of Versace this week and it talked about the eating disorder that Allegra has. When I started doing some online reasearch of her I was bombared with some very disturbing images. She is rail thin and her skin is literally hanging on her yet she doesnt see how sick she is. I never want to be that obssesed about my image.

Until Next time