This Was a Hard Week

Me and my boyfriend broke up this past weekend and I've been miserable. It's only day 2 but I miss him so much. I realize that I have dedicated this blog to my goal of become healthy but I have found the more I talk about it the easier it becomes for me. There is something that happened with my weight over the past weekend which I will get to in a bit.

So it happened on Saturday and I knew exactly what he was going to say when he texted "I need to tell you something, but not right now." He told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Even though it came as no surprise it still caused my heart to ache. I agreed that it was best to end thing before things started getting worse. The past 3 months had been a roller coaster of emotions. A few bad days followed by one good day. The interval between the bad started getting closer and the "arguments" became worse as time past. He was miserable and I did everything I could to be patient, supportive, and loving. After a while I felt his sadness wearing on me. And I started not trying to fix things anymore. I knew that it wouldn't be received well but I didn't know what else to do. As much as I loved him (still do) I was tired of fighting a fight I had no chance of winning.

So I sat and waiting for the day when he would tell me he wanted out. I believed our relationship was going to be work. We shared alot in common, or at least I thought we did. But we had two different outlooks on what love is supposed to be like and it turned into a viscous cycle. I would pull away slightly because I was unsure in the beginning. When he would mention his ex girlfriend and I would pull away just a little more. He would obviously notice me do this and bring it to my attention. All he wanted was for his girlfriend to be as into him as he was into her. Its not much to ask for, but for every 3 steps I took forward in discovering my emotions I took a step back (sometimes 4) every time his ex was brought up and another step back when he would express his frustrations with me. I simply did not move at the pace that he was and it would be the theme of our problems to come. I blamed myself and would become so sad and started questioning my character, but it was usually followed with anger and resentment towards him for wanting to change me and push in directions that I wasn't quite comfortable with. I felt at times that I wasn't given the chance to discover my love for him. And then it happened one day, We watched Valentines Day and I felt the pure emotions rise to my lips and all I wanted to do was grab hug him and kiss him and say "I love you!" But I didn't, I wanted the moment to be special and during a time when we were alone so that I could stare into his eyes and feel the love and show him how much I loved him. But before that could happen, he expressed his frustrations with me. Again I took several steps back.

We managed to work out things and mostly everything went well for a while but then depression crept into him and he began to feel miserable and trapped by everything and everyone in his life. I tried to give him space but feared that he would leave me so I pushed myself in even more. Now that I look back I realize that this was not the best thing to do. I put my life on hold and worked on our relationship. I felt as long as we were both willing to work and try everything would be great. That never happened; it started become worse and worse and there finally came the point where I could not console him in anyway. Our relationship did not give him any kind of happiness all he felt was frustration and a void. It was hard to see this happen right before my eyes as I sat there powerless. As much as I wanted things to change for the better I knew I could not control/ persuade him to feel any differently. And that is when I came to the conclusion that the next time he told me was unhappy with us it was time to let him go.

At the time the decision was easy because I was prepared. But the next day it hit me so hard and I felt like my heart was being crushed in a vice. The pain and anguish crept into my legs and arms and the pit of my stomach. Between Saturday and today I have not eaten much. Saturday I ate nothing, maybe a cup of water. Sunday I woke up and forced myself out of bed to eat two slices of bread. I was able to talk to my dad and with tears in his eyes he said that he wished he could take the pain away and tell me something that would make me feel better, but he knew only time would heal my internal wound. I talked to my friends a little more but it wasn't until I talked to my mom that I started feeling better. I talked to her for a good hour and I knew that I would be okay. I finally left my room and sat with my family to watch TV and it felt good knowing that they were there for me. Today I woke up feeling good and happy I applied my makeup with excitement and got dressed and couldn't wait to get to work. I grabbed a special K protein bar and bottle of water for breakfast and I thought I had gained my appetite back. It wasn't until lunch that the sadness crept back into my chest. I grabbed a salad but only ate about a cup of greens when I returned to work to find that stomach was so upset that i had diarrhea and bubble guts. I started checking my email and pulled my phone out of habit hoping he would call. He never did and I was on the verge of tears the rest of the afternoon. I came home and ate some meat and rice my mom made and had a couple wedges of pineapple and cucumbers. I knew that this lack of food was going to take its toll on my body so I weighed myself and realized that i had lost pounds. So needless to say I didn't have a problem with my pants being too tight they were actually pretty baggy and I needed to wear a belt. I know as I start feeling better my appetite will come back with all its ferocity and my weight will return.

Yesterday I felt that I made the right decision and had no regrets about anything I said or did but today that was not the case. I doubted everything I did and I missed him soooo much that all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and his breath on my skin. How ironic is it that the physical affection that was so awkward for me would be the one thing that I longed for. I felt the love between him and I in those instances more than any other. I know that we have to make ourselves happy before we can make each other happy and that is why I know right now there is nothing I can do. I will work on my life and continue to eliminate my credit debt and I have made the decision to return to school. There are a few things that I need to take care of first but I am ready to go back . I know I will never be fully happy with my career until I become a PA. I know for him he needs to work on his career as well and I wish him nothing but the best. I hope that he finds the happiness that he is searching for and with every goal he accomplishes he will be that much more happy.

I truly do want to continue things with him but I know that's not something I can ask from him right now, perhaps I can never ask him. I hope that he will return to me one day. Maybe my mind will change as the days go by, but I doubt it. I miss my best friend and the true love of my life.

Until next time,
Moi